


Edd Against Humanity

by Qu33rios



Series: The Eighth Month of the Year [4]
Category: Ed Edd n Eddy
Genre: M/M, how about that brief paragraph of NazzKevin where he dumps he at the end of the paragraph, middle school angst????, plank doesn't talk, too cliche more like yay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-06-22 04:24:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15573720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qu33rios/pseuds/Qu33rios
Summary: Then as his turn came up to judge, something weird happened.___ only gets harder with the years.Keeping my feelings for you a secret.**Minor sexual flirting is the reason for Underage rating





	Edd Against Humanity

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Will I ever go to bed before 2 AM the world may never know?

 

Eddward felt worried about how the night would go. This was an understatement, he was in pieces, terrified and anxious. Two weeks ago, Eddy had made the decision that throwing a party at Edd’s house would be the perfect way to gain popularity when entering the next year of high school. Edd worried about guests, entertainment, safety, monitoring his household keepsakes, and the possible fear either of his parents would return that night. Edd’s parents were traveling nurses, yet typically one was always around to watch Edd, they got called on a special trip where they both were being recognized and giving awards for their service.They had found out two weeks prior to the Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights they would be gone. The ceremony was conducted on Friday in Denver and Edd couldn’t attend because he had school. His parents also planned to make the best of their trip, depicting it as their second honeymoon and the reason they decided to extend the days they would be gone.

Although the invitation to their little event was spread to their entire class, the typical Cul-de-sac kids were the only ones to show. Now, Edd, Eddy, Ed, Nazz, Kevin, Nathan, James, and the Kanker sisters sat around Edd’s living room, bored as all can be. Edd would agree that this was not one of Eddy’s “brilliant ideas,” assuming he ever made any bright ideas.

“What’s the deal dorks? Nazz drags me over here to sit around and do nothing? Where’s the party at?” Kevin groaned, flipping through senseless stories on Snapchat.

“I gotta agree with Kev, Eddy you said this party was going to be huge and there’s not even alcohol.” Pouting, Nazz turned to Eddy, batting her eyelashes in a playful yet sexy fury.

“Don’t look at me doll face, Edd’s the one who said we couldn’t get any booze.” Eddy threw the blame to Double D, who scoffed and wildly disproved.

The idea of drinking so young was flabbergasting to Eddward. “Even if I would have agreed to such ridiculous terms, where on Earth would you have retrieved such beverages?”

“My brother probably.” Eddy chuckled, knowing damn well his brother would not buy alcohol for a giant group of fourteen-year old’s, not at least while he had his ankle bracelet and random court ordered drug tests.

“Cut the shit, we gotta do something fun.” Marie chimed in, “why not truth or dare?” The group of teens around her, including her sisters groaned in disgust.

“As much as that sounds I don’t want to drink from the toilet again.” Ed responded, and Rave glared at the other with a deep repugnance.

Eddy gave his two cents, “And I’m not kissing Double D ever again in my life so fuck that Marie.”

A light bulb went off over Nat’s head as he devised a brilliant plan to end the suffering of the night. “Edd do you have Cards Against Humanity?”

A universal smile lunged throughout the rest of the group until, “No, I do not, is that a game?” His response caused another unanimous reaction, an annoyed sigh.

“What about that app Evil Apples?” Kevin added to the discussion. “We played it all the time in PE in Middle School.”

“Hey that might work!” The two best friends high fived before helping all of the party attendees install the app on their smartphone device. Marie, Ed, James, Nazz, May, Plank and Jimmy sat the game out and chose to watch. Rolf, Eddy, Nat, Lee, and Kevin happily participated, Eddy forcing Double D into the trouble. They all decided to use miscellaneous names and pictures to keep the complete identity silent until one person reached the seven total round wins.

Edd was terrified after he saw the loading screen, and even more so as Kevin spent three of his own dollars purchasing Edd different expansion packs. “There, you’re good to go, make us proud dorko.” Kevin winked, finding his way to the floor next to Nat where the group had decided to form a circle of sinning.

The first black card wasn’t bad, until the responses popped up. Lee picked her card immediately with no regret.

 

**I go to visit your grave every week and afterwards I always feel like ___**

 

_ Masturbation on a sunny afternoon _

_Pooping in the street without giving a shit_

_Fucking a stranger_

_Anal probes_

_Laughing alone with a salad_

 

Edd was skipped the first round from lack of answering the question. His jaw dropped reading the obscene sentences. “WHAT IS THIS GAME! IT IS SICKENING!” Nat determined Lee the winner.

“Calm down Edd-boy, as the game continues you will get your corn out of the stalk.” Rolf’s analogy made as much sense as skinny dipping in winter, but he ignored the response and hoped the quality of the game would increase. Now it was Edd’s turn to judge, he would HAVE to participate.

 

**My first kiss was EXACTLY like ___**

 

Getting lucky on Planet Fucky

The innocence of a virgin

Drinking gravy out of a can

A stanky ol’ dick

Randy, who’s not even your real dad

 

“All of these are horrible!” He exclaimed, closing his eyes and swiping up on the card that he found to be the least disgusting. “People actually ENJOY THIS FILTH?”

“That’s the point Edd.” Kevin chuckled, choosing the next winning card. “You get to be as nasty as you want. No judgement. And since we expect it extra anon you can be extra nasty, let loose.” Kevin’s advice was not taken. No matter how much he tried to involve himself in choosing a card to play or picking one, each round he was almost always skipped after running out of time. Talk of different sexual parts and celebrities and kama sutra positions and cartoons and historical figures and bodily fluids and just flat out nonsense were enough reasons to make his stomach condense in uncomfortable pain.

The game quickly became enjoyable for all those playing it, besides Edd, and those who chose to sit aside were playing a game of go fish with a deck of cards that Edd kept on the side table next to the couch. The house quickly became filled with conversation and laughter and Edd’s incomprehensible suffering. It wasn’t a rager, but instead a nice night to bring the teens together as they finished the first year of high school. After fifteen minutes of Edd screeching at every mentioning of a vagina and poop joke, he caught on enough to where he could choose a card without making his distress audible. By now, each player other than Edd had a good lead and was close to winning. Then as his turn came up to judge, something weird happened.

**__ only gets harder with the years.**

 

_Keeping my feelings for you a secret._

 

Edd felt incapable of choosing an answer. He kept reading the first over and over in his head. _Who is this? What? Was this an actual card? Was someone able to write this? Was it Eddy playing a prank?_ This pattern continued each time he was the judge, he was someone’s target.

 

**Without ___ there would be no hope for humanity.**

_You._

 

“Hey who is using the write ins that’s not fair I don’t have the coins for that!” Eddy complained, glaring around to the group. Although Edd was suspicious of his best friend, he felt his heart sink to his stomach as butterflies and snakes fought. He was determined to see if he was being “scammed,“ if he was, Eddy owed him a great apology. It got to the point where Edd again couldn’t choose a card in the allotted time limit. He was too mesmerized by his mysterious admirer. Kevin kept his best poker face on, ignoring him and scrolling through the cards people had sent as if he had nothing to be suspicious about.

The first game Nat conquered, he knew how to play the game. His user name was released as asdf meaning he was not the culprit. The next game Rolf dominated, with Nat coming in close seconds. His user was ksjyfww, also meaning he was not the criminal. Edd realized everyone’s name was a random assortment of letters. That left Eddy, Lee… and Kevin as suspects.

 

**___ makes the heart grow fonder**

 

_That gap in your teeth_

**When I’m dripping with sweat, I feel like ___**

_shower sex, but with me_

Edd scoffed at the flirtatious remark, unsure of how the react. The sentence didn’t even make sense, though he knew what the admirer was attempting to say. Eddy gagged, which the nerd determined was either an elaborate plot to look innocent or a sign he was revolted. Double D’s cheek kept their heat, the cherry red only darkening with each passing round.

 

**I took the day off so I could concentrate on ___.**

 

_Our future together?_

 

He hid himself well, but down in his core Nat was the only person who knew who had enough coins to keep dropping the wild cards.

 Edd was bewildered when the next series of cards came on screen.

 

**After sex I think about ____.**

_Me, and how horny I get when you make those cute faces_

Eddward gasped, glancing around to the face of each player. It seemed the moment his gaze was directed to Kevin, the ginger glanced up, smirked lightly and winked. Edd’s visage flooded a deep red. _Did this mean……?_

“Woah okay, none of these even make sense, who’s trying to get at Double D….?” The atmosphere of the game changed, no longer were they all laughing and having fun, a conspiracy erupted. “Edd if you choose the responses then eventually we might figure out who is sending them, ya know, once they win and someone has to confess.” Eddy smirked, searching through the crowd for any sign of weakness. Edd was suspecting that Eddy was not the culprit, especially not after Kevin’s gesture.

After realizing his possible chance of getting caught, the jock used only the regular cards. He wasn’t ready to reveal his deepest secret yet even if it was something he had on his agenda for the upcoming months. Edd had other plans and made a mental note to ask Kevin to wait behind as all the teens left to head home to meet their 9:00 PM curfews. Eddy left with a bad attitude, not only for losing every game AND not learning who the admirer was, but Edd kicked him out! He decided to head over to Ed’s to play video games until dawn.

Kevin made sure to stall, walking slowly as the rest of the people exited. Nazz and James were long gone, the Kanker sisters waddled out quickly, May and Lee chasing after the two Edd’s and Marie following them. Nat, having two functional eyes saw Kevin staring at the serious of photographs on the walls. The seafoam haired boy whistled towards his friend, winking and making kissy sounds before Edd embarrassingly shoved Nat out the door and locked it behind him.

“So Kevin… I would like to inquire about-” he turned, still at the front door while Kevin stood on the other side of the room, about ten feet away.

His heart was spilling before he was consciously aware. “I like you Edd. I’m hormonal and I think I’m bi but I like you!” He was nearly yelling, any person directly on the opposite side of the door (i.e. the nosy Nat) heard his confession.

Edd fought the urge to smile, failing, just like Kevin had. Now their cheeks matched the same dark shade of crimson. “Why, why didn’t you just tell me?”

The ginger chuckled. “Because a year and six months ago I was pushing you into a locker and punching you in the ribs.” He brought his hand up to his right temple, rubbing away at the start of a mild headache. “Not exactly how you act when you uh- just have a-um, crush….”

Remembering Kevin post his two-week suspension days was rough on Edd, but his mother always told him that those with malice in their hearts were afraid and envious. He understood what she meant. “Thank you for telling me now Kevin.” He smiled.

Kevin approached the other, taking small and slow strides, possibly a stalling event. When they were about two feet away, he stopped and muttered, “Um, well I’l be going now, gotta go die in a hole ahaha….”

“Would you like to stay the night? I would enjoy your company and would love to discuss this further.” Edd’s kindness was weird to Kevin. He expected anger, rejection, and revenge, yet instead he felt lovingly supported.

“I uh, yes, actually, that sounds nice thank you, just let me call my mom she’s waiting up for me.”

That night they talked for hours about countless of topics, mainly that revolving around Kevin’s feelings. He expressed feeling an attraction to both Edd and Nazz during middle school, and since Nazz reciprocated those feelings he knew no other way to deal with his desires than to give Edd a reason to stay away. He admitted his philosophy was flawed, but how he didn’t know any other way at the time.

Edd listened with an active ear, speaking sense into the boy and allowing him to pour his entire heart out of all the thoughts he kept to himself and Nat. He discussed first having impure thoughts about Edd during Sex Ed in seventh grade physical science, but when only straight sex was taught to the class, he felt his thoughts were dirty and wrong. Just another log in the fire for his anger and discomfort with his own sexuality that was projected at Edd. “When Nat came along, things just got easier after he came over when I got suspended. He’s so open about himself and confident, I didn’t realize back then I’m okay to be me. My mom even knows now.”

“I’m glad you had the epiphany Kevin. Although I am not going to associate with any form of grotesque language or voluptuous activity under the premise I am not prepared, I believe it would be interesting if we would pursue a relationship.”

The mumbo-jumbo only messed with Kevin’s head, did he hear that right? “Are you asking me out?” He questioned, eyes widening in disbelief.

“I would say so, yes I am.”

“Holy shit – Fuck yes! Hold up let me go break up with Nazz she’s probably awake!” He jumped up, running forward out the front door, jumping in joy.

Realizing what the freckled delinquent had said, Edd to sprang up and chased Kevin to the door, he shouted, “WHAT!! KEVIN IT IS MIDNIGHT!! I THOUGHT YOU AND NAZZ HAD SEPARATED???”

“YEAH WE DID BUT WE MADE UP BEFORE THE PARTY IT’S COOL THO SHE’S CHILL!”

“KEVIN DON’T YOU DARE CLIMB THROUGH THAT POOR WOMAN’S WINDOW!! KEVIN BARR RETURN TO THIS PATIO THIS INSTANT! KEVIN!!!”

Excitement got the best of both boys as their screaming woke the entire street and as Kevin broke into Nazz’s house just to dump her. This isn’t a night they were proud of at the time, especially not as each individual family came out to see what had happened and Nazz chased Kevin out of her house with a softball bat. Yet now, they were proud, seven years later as the story was retold to an audience of their friends and family on their wedding day.

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: A group of friends decide to play Evil Apples on their phones when they find that Person A doesn’t own a package of Cards Against Humanity. Whenever Person A is the judge, Person B manages to pull the dirtiest cards and winks.


End file.
